I have been meaning to and not - to write this post. The reason behind is we all have memories in the back of our mind. To classify them in a mundane manner- some are meant to remind us situations, some are to warn us, many are recollections and the remaining rejuvenate us during hard times.
Today i want to write of the grey side that either lurks in a corner, fills our dispositions when confronted with a crisis and helps us to tread carefully when in new circumstances. But many a time, the 'this' i am telling about dampens our enthusiasm, brings the roller coast of feeling great to a halt and cripples the 'feel good' . And few times and i hope it stays as 'few', it cripples initiative, pushes one to be defensive, creates anxiety and closes the stream of thought. i am talking about fear (other names include- worries, paranoia, oh shit! etc). A couple of examples below:
The first fear i recollect was when i was six. I was in Bombay and walking to the school along with a maid. The shoe laces got untied. We had to stand on the lane divider and she tied the laces. What would i do if she were not around? How could i tie them. I could fall tripping on them, become a laughing stock. At that time the laces seemed too complex. The fear was what if i never learnt to tie them at all. I am all this big adult in some years and i cannot tie my laces. That spun me for days. After a few years when i was tying laces i was filled with relief. Fear when it ends, gives you a relief- not happiness it brings you to neutrality. All that work to feel normal again.
The next one i remember were my high school examinations. I dream of writing one when i am stressed at work or feeling low at times to this day. It is so ingrained in my subconscious that when i am bummed the next dream would be writing that wretched exam and not signing my name on it every time. When the high school was over and lets say it did go fine, i was relieved. I was not happy at my success (seemingly) it was only a huge burden let go. And i was seething with discontent that all that stupid fear led me to further learning at college and not to some super great party ( i was 17). I was let down after carrying my anxiety and working for those exams.
And then 'he' the fear has been a part through my life whenever it came to turning points, during my infatuations, my first job, going to a new place. It makes you edgy and sometimes you want to snap out of it. I wished many times that i had a whip to swoosh it away.
Fear it seems cannot survive alone. Fear is about 'something'. Most of the times it is about stuff you care with your heart or is about a loved one. It gives you the same fluttery feeling in your stomach, like a stone in your neurons or the saltiness in your eyes every time you feel it. Fear is a container/vessel in our mind and when you put anything into it (however sweet) it gets stained, crumpled temporarily at least. Sometimes fear momentarily mutates into anger - hurts you and others and ends in suffering nevertheless.
Is it worth it? No it is not. What you achieve is because of your abilities, your fear does not motivate you. If you had feared if you would fail and did not, it is because of your work. If not for the fear you could have either had it more easier or done the same better. Fear is the entropy of our hope, energy and the faith we have in us.
But then again i know this all and i still hold some of it, so do all of us in different proportions depending on where and who we are. How do you get rid of it? How the hell am i supposed to know. Maybe writing and reminding me about this is one of them? To anyone who is under its spell right now- i hope this post serves a reaffirmation that you (and me of course) are not alone in it. Fear is a container in our heads and so do the hands that can empty it.
