Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own. Anal (50%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity, order and chaos, variety and selectivity. Phallic (40%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure. Latency (33%) you appear to be overly practical; don't undervalue abstract learning, abstract learning increases your ability to make good decisions (and predictions) in the real world so it would be 'impractical' to shun it. Genital (73%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.

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End of DAY

Yes, my day is done and another coffee, i have to sit/stand and get to home ...looks like there will be a lunar eclipse today so apparently i have to bath and pray ...lets see :)

Bye.

Some of our days for some of us begin with the dreams. Irony is that when we feel the reality around us we forget those beginings and in an attempt to end the day right we do not ruminate on how it began in the subconscious mind...most probably it can be the fears, excitements or the needs and the relevant ablities of the previous day that lingers in our reflective part of the mind...can the end of the day be a junction point where we sort out our done and undone chores during the day,the dreams: can they be like a feedback?

I remember one statement :

this happened in my dream:

i roll out my tongue and say that i have too many of the white substance on and that means i might have some deficiency?

and a voice mutters , "No! it means there is a good blood flow in your tongue"...can it get more of a jabber than this?

and then the consciousness starts to deal with things in hand...and am at work now...well if i am typing this , it means I am not having much to do at the moment!

Friday evening...for a change my grey cells were becoming volatile with fluid inside, it was a reaction...a nice one with a severe pain and somewhere when it was guiding my footsteps along the corridors one of the cells plopped and said 'sex'...and the rest joined in chorus and everybody together in the cacophonous battalion of the grey army marched, muttering with contempt 'sex, sex ,sex'.

My hands rose to my head, whats that?, my eyes turned inwards, my conscious checked out for fantasies...Oh no not now my body screamed, and my lips bent into a culvert and choked its cells into a smile and my fingers twitched and my tongue felt the wet water, and i moved on, clutching my hair in 3 fingers and a tamed flame in the other hand...

i woke up in the mornings and i could hear the distant slogans from me...the urge passed and my foot touched the cold floor as i gropped for a towel. It was over, it was over....and surmising my intentions the cacophonous battalion went on a march....'it was over, it was over, it...was...over...'

ABYSS...

Something is amiss out here, am I trying to emulate my contemporaries or am I stinking in self doubt?.. Conjure up an image of you alone with all the resources intact...the material world loses its value...you are the rich, poor and genius! Whom would you try to impress now...yourself? c'mon it would boil down to the fact of who you actually are.....now you will try searching for someone of your own kind and if u meet him or her you will for another and then with three a society would be called up for and then with four you would separate into teams of two and have a friendly banter and then confidants will be born. To make things worse two more would arrive and at the end of some day you will be right here where I am, lurking in this same self doubt...and at the end of it realize all of this was from the very audience to whom u cater the above lines! Vicious circle indeed ...or is it one’s ignorance/indifference or rather mine to trivialize the whole thought process of a society?!When looked with profound interest, the inanimate has more individuality than anyone.....Is it better to be the shallow moon than to be among the millions of bright stars? And you being the human ......will posses the "mind"...rather........the sixth sense... which has the ability to think and do quite the contrary. Of the six people the three of you try to globalize while two might crave for isolation calling it privacy and then one in remorse for the past, laments. We were made complex in our systems to think simple which we are not....we ponder, scratch the scalp, read, write, discuss, argue and at the end of the day accept and move along! Or such is the life.... born ...live it through all the adequacy present and bear through all the inefficiencies. Enjoy the efficacy of work and bear the brunt of bliss and one day, not earmarked in a diary you invite an audience without an announcement and your silence invokes a shrill outcry that penetrates even the indifferent souls...and that day is branded as an anniversary! Who are these six people, after you they are now five in number.....and when one looks upon with deep concern all these six people are you....your six senses.....and when you are dead you loose the sixth sense and the other five are relinquished of their places thereafter...Does their individuality not stand for a chance?Can a human only be a reflection of his fellow men? So huge is this scenario that it prevails as an afterthought striking you only after each word was written and yet it puts forth an impedance to keep it unchanged!

I walk into the cafeteria...and hear a voice "hey man how ya doing....how was the test...oooh see that girl....." the mind starts functioning the blood starts clogging up in a section of my head...it has started ....I am shaky not knowing an answer which anybody of my age would know...”hey madhu”, a girl takes a peek at my table, “ got the assignment done?” and I give a blank stare all the while telling her to get the hell out of there. I am suffering in here ...contradictions...fighting against an unknown enemy and not knowing whether it is the enemy ....where did all this start ...I was living like everybody else ...playing a game of cricket in the weekend, pestering for a movie....looking at the new comics and then get a corner in the daily bus and get all wound up over it...as far as I remember it all started when I saw a heap of leaves gathered at a spot...they weren't there all those days...those leaves were under my legs, an assurance that I would not fall and that they would sail me to my destination peacefully… until then after which, a fear developed what if those leaves were plucked and shoved away from my life will I lose my way even before I
know I about it.this tinge of anxiety exponentiates every second ...why is that one should perform when one does not want to be the player...who has organized this big crime against themselves that billions have fell into...a brilliant trap that many fall from the womb into it and are swallowed, ingested, digested and all their energy is taken up for a purpose unknown. I guess I realised this when I was half way through and decided to climb out of it and only to find that here is where my destiny might lie and I am now stranded with no where to go. the moon looks good but better behind a tree... the sun is bright but- for me to see it should be behind the clouds, the peacocks make u feel elated but only when the sky is overcast and it is about to rain...the rainbow is beautiful but it is all the more great when we do not have the sun shining on its path after the rain ...so many ifs and buts....too many wants and everything is a permutation of what is available....all the needs are fed and again ingested by generations and one's waste is another’s source of energy ...after some time....eons have passed man names these as deceptive visions, material pleasure and Maya but still loves it cherishes it and it is an irony that he earns the same by his discourses against it! and suddenly I go void and I surge below so deep and all my anger dries out...just like that...in a moment where was all that vigor that I had a second ago and am I being conquered periodically by this fate...it says," ah boy come on...I had been on a holiday, decided to take a day off of u and you start defying me ...lets go for a ride get in.. else be left out". Left out? left out of what? left out of these trains that go back and forth under the control of tiny tots ...we are similar to them why don't we raise against this little heads why do we traverse thru the same tracks again and again thru the same roads. on the way we yearn and earn for some to tag along to abuse and adore them whenever we feel like and all these feelings being controlled by this train driver...who is he? he changes color so often...he was my mom first and then when she smiled and understood there were limits he disappeared from her and then from then on he began to haunt me… wanted me to get on his bogey and ride with him ...his face brings the wrath in me and then is overwhelmed into fear when he again looks at me and then I nod to take the seat but only for a short time But then I am my own enemy now....and its all the more frustrating that even though it is within me I am not able to figure out its strategies ...plop and he is not vanishing he persists and he dominates me to get out of that running train just jump and fall onto the sands beyond ....I am not able to get up as my fellow victim gives me a smile...what if he is a clairvoyant and is the driver. he should be enjoying. A villain he is ...seeing his puppet fear, shake and with all anger it taunts itself with.And then your head cannot take it anymore it flows through your eyes emanating that fear that rather becomes your defense...people ask me what happened to u are u feeling okay? no dammit I have been like this sedated as a saturnine bloke for years that I cannot remember nor can I recall when this all started....and I can't share it because it is something that is spewing out of me out....every atom in me ....spewing as gusts of sighs and morning toothpastes and then I gurgle with vigor .....prevent choking and then the grand finale happens he reaches your stomach and I recoil as a blow is given and I am like a smothered cookie....I walk into the cafeteria and the glass of water stands still like the few moments before my brain had started actually function ...and then as if it were like me, first the drop sways and slides on the surface on the glass and it will also have its share of the pit feeling in the stomach when it hits the table...my face becomes a weak wrinkle and I want to say it and get it out of my system, get some of the drops out of me as the glass could do and I muster up the courage and with all the strength that chokes up all the way to my throat and comes out adding a few ounces to the already persisting tonne in my head and I whisper, " I am tired and tired of it all!"I caution myself not to say it aloud. That would wake up the ones seated around me and they would be on my back pestering with all those heard and reheard questions. That will make me feel all the more worse and last but not the least I say it within myself with a very meek voice lest the driver should know where I am and take me for a ride.A child nearby cries to his father and asks him to take him for a ride. Believe me there is a lot of difference between me and him because sometime in the past I used to love rides...a past that I am not able to recall… its all vague...its not dark or sullen now, everything is bright and some may say that I am out of my mind...no dear its all in the mind.. that’s the whole problem...as for the others… all these are floating in the air for them to take it in and become one of them and they aid the driver in hunting me. will I be found?